Put that aside for a minute and consider this one:
Mary has had a horrible day. Her boss has been on her back, she was rear-ended getting lunch, and then found out her sister's husband left her for another woman. She finally gets home, bursts in the door and says to Bill, "You would not BELIEVE the day I just had!!!"
Bill turns his back and walks away saying, "I've had a long day, and I'm just not up to listening to you right now." Mary replies, "You're my husband - you're supposed to be there for me when I need you!"
Most people would consider Bill a cold, uncaring, thoughtless man.
Most people would consider Bill a cold, uncaring, thoughtless man.
Wait a minute: In both cases, one person has a fundamental need: Bill for sex, Mary for someone to talk to. Each one a powerful and primal need for men and women respectively. And in each case, the other wasn't in the mood to fulfill that need.
Why is Bill an insensitive pig for expecting his wife to meet his most basic need, but Mary is justified in expecting her husband to meet hers? It sure seems that the system is rigged for men to be the bad guy no matter what.
Next time you're "not in the mood", ask yourself how you would feel if your husband decided one day that he "wasn't in the mood" to listen to you, or "wasn't in the mood" to visit your Mother on the weekend, or "wasn't in the mood" to fix the toilet. Would you immediately withdraw your expectations and cheerfully defer to his mood? If you're answer is "No", you'd better think twice before expecting anything different from him.
Where else in life do we apply the standard, "Only If I Feel Like It"? Being in a loving, committed relationship means being there for each other whether you feel like it or not. I realize how un-pc this is, but it's something we already know instinctively. Do mothers only change diapers or feed their children when they feel like it? Does the breadwinner in the family only go to work when he or she feels like it? Love means caring for anther's needs over and above our own. It involves, well, sacrifice. If you'd rather live life at the whim and mercy of your immediate feelings and moods, don't begrudge others when they do the same. And whatever you do, don't get married!
I'm not saying your husband shouldn't be understanding if you're occasionally just too pooped for passion. But realize that his need for sex is every bit as foundational as your need for emotional intimacy. Rejection hurts him in the same way it would hurt you if he turned his back when you needed someone to talk to.
We women can't have it both ways. If you expect him to defer to your "moods" when you don't feel like sex, you'd better be ready to defer to his when he'd rather watch football than hear about your day.
Related article: Girl Power!
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