Sex and Conversation

Bill wants sex. Mary's tired, and just not in the mood. She tells Bill, "I've had a long day, and I'm just not up to having sex right now." Bill replies, "You're my wife - you're supposed to be there for me when I need you!"

Most people would consider Bill a thoughtless neanderthal at best.

Put that aside for a minute and consider this one:

Mary has had a horrible day. Her boss has been on her back, she was rear-ended getting lunch, and then found out her sister's husband left her for another woman. She finally gets home, bursts in the door and says to Bill, "You would not BELIEVE the day I just had!!!"

Bill turns his back and walks away saying, "I've had a long day, and I'm just not up to listening to you right now." Mary replies, "You're my husband - you're supposed to be there for me when I need you!"

Most people would consider Bill a cold, uncaring, thoughtless man.

Wait a minute: In both cases, one person has a fundamental need: Bill for sex, Mary for someone to talk to. Each one a powerful and primal need for men and women respectively. And in each case, the other wasn't in the mood to fulfill that need.

Why is Bill an insensitive pig for expecting his wife to meet his most basic need, but Mary is justified in expecting her husband to meet hers? It sure seems that the system is rigged for men to be the bad guy no matter what.

Next time you're "not in the mood", ask yourself how you would feel if your husband decided one day that he "wasn't in the mood" to listen to you, or "wasn't in the mood" to visit your Mother on the weekend, or "wasn't in the mood" to fix the toilet. Would you immediately withdraw your expectations and cheerfully defer to his mood? If you're answer is "No", you'd better think twice before expecting anything different from him.

Where else in life do we apply the standard, "Only If I Feel Like It"? Being in a loving, committed relationship means being there for each other whether you feel like it or not. I realize how un-pc this is, but it's something we already know instinctively. Do mothers only change diapers or feed their children when they feel like it? Does the breadwinner in the family only go to work when he or she feels like it? Love means caring for anther's needs over and above our own. It involves, well, sacrifice. If you'd rather live life at the whim and mercy of your immediate feelings and moods, don't begrudge others when they do the same. And whatever you do, don't get married!

I'm not saying your husband shouldn't be understanding if you're occasionally just too pooped for passion. But realize that his need for sex is every bit as foundational as your need for emotional intimacy. Rejection hurts him in the same way it would hurt you if he turned his back when you needed someone to talk to. 

We women can't have it both ways. If you expect him to defer to your "moods" when you don't feel like sex, you'd better be ready to defer to his when he'd rather watch football than hear about your day.

Related article: Girl Power!

Sock Blindness

How many times has your husband walked right past a pair of dirty socks on the floor and NOT picked them up? Or crammed one more thing into an overflowing trash can, or reached for a paper plate instead of emptying the dishwasher?

Is he blind? Is he lazy? Is he inconsiderate? Why on earth doesn't he just PICK THEM UP?

The answer is  . . . wait for it . . . He Doesn't See Them.

How can he not see socks that are laying there right in front of him? It's a good question, with a simple answer. People notice what they value. I could walk right past a 1948 Astin Martin DB1 in a parking lot and it would never even hit my radar, guaranteed. The man I'm walking through the parking lot with might conclude that I'm ditsy or unobservant. The truth is, I just don't care about cars. I was too busy noticing some woman's great shoes, or the lovely sunset, or I was thinking about work, or dinner, or the kids, or pretty much anything other than cars. We value different things, so we notice different things. It's as simple as that. Don't make the mistake of believing that others (even your husband) value the same things you do.

There's another layer to this argument. You might say, "If he loved me, he'd care that dirty socks bother me. He'd pick them up for me." That sounds well and fine, but think it through for a minute. If your husband loves fishing and you love him, do you magically begin noticing different brands of fishing rods? Of course not! You would never hear a man say, "If you really loved me, you would have noticed that guy's incredible fishing rod!" How absurd that sounds, yet we do it to men all the time. So no - his loving you does not make him suddenly begin to notice socks on the floor, or an overflowing trash can or a leaky sink.

Now that we've established that Dear ol' Hubby has Sock Blindness, what's the cure? Ladies, pay attention because this will change your marriage forever.

The cure is Admiration and Respect.

A man who is admired and respected will move mountains to please you. A man who is nagged and belittled will withdraw faster than you can say Henpecked Husband. Men only participate where they can win, so the secret is to set your guy up to win, and win big! Men WANT to be Super Heroes, we just need to hand them their capes and let them fly.

So how do you set him up to win?

1. Know that he's not leaving the socks on the floor on purpose, or out of laziness or neglect. 
2. Understand that what's important to you (a clean floor) may not be important to him; therefore, you are asking HIM to do YOU a favor by picking up his socks. This sets you up to appreciate that he's picking them up, rather than being disappointed in him for not picking them up without your asking.
3. Ask, and be specific! In other words, tell him precisely how he can win. "You're such a slob - you're always leaving your dirty socks on the floor" means the game's over and he already lost. That's hardly going to inspire him to participate the next time around.

Don't believe me? Try it: Next time his dirty socks are on the floor ask him very sweetly, "Honey, would you mind tossing those in the hamper for me?" (the "for me" is important because it gives him a real shot at winning your appreciation). I bet he'll take it in a New York minute. A kiss of genuine appreciation will seal the deal, and he'll redouble his efforts to please you.

So ladies, remember to be kind to the the sock-blind. They DO love you. In fact, they'll go to any lengths to show you. All you have to do is let them.

Open Sesame

If the eyes are the windows to the soul . . . where's the door?

Recently a friend asked for my advice about a guy she was dating. We had a great discussion about the distinction between "fun to be with" and "good", and how one actually has nothing to do with the other. Ideally our friends are both fun to be with AND good people. We're smart to expect both - but we're fools if we don't understand the difference between the two.

If you ask most people why they're friends with someone they'll say things like, "We have a lot in common", "We have fun together", or "He has a great sense of humor". These are all important aspects of friendship. That's why it seems natural to superimpose the same criteria onto a romantic relationship. After all, shouldn't your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse be your best friend? Absolutely! But that's not ALL he or she needs to be. Above all, a spouse has to also have good character. Fun is NECESSARY but not SUFFICIENT to a happy and lasting bond.

This is why it's so important to recognize the difference between Fun To Be With and Good, and to understand that the two are utterly unrelated. The fact that he's fun tells you as much about a guy's character as his shirt size.

All this begs the question, "Well then how can I know a person's character?" Start paying close attention to Character Markers. These are traits that reveal themselves when a person has nothing to gain - and perhaps even something to lose, even if it's just his pride. One of my favorite quotes is, "Your Character is Who You Are When No One's Looking." Here are some examples of Character Markers that open the door into a person's soul so you can have a look at his true character (I'm using "him" but of course the same goes for "her"):

• When you go out to eat, does he treat the wait staff with courtesy and respect? 

• Does he call his Mom regularly, even when his Mom rattles on for hours about her sciatica? 

• Does he take responsibility for himself or does he blame others for his mood? 

• Is he kind to strangers? 

• Does he admit it when he's wrong, and honestly try to make things right? 

• Does he bash his ex, or does he take his share of responsibility for his last breakup? (remember, this is how he'll be talking about you someday if the relationship doesn't work out) 

• Does he treat you with respect even when you're in the middle of a fight?

These are just a few, but you get the idea. Life is a series of challenges. No matter who you are or where you live, only one thing is certain. You will experience loss, pain and hardship. Those are the times you'll be the most grateful to have someone of good character alongside you in the foxhole. And that - not how fun the person is during the good times - will determine the strength of your relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking fun in the foxhole. Nothing beats a good laugh when the going gets rough! Just be aware that fun is not enough on its own. Without character it won't go the distance.

So if you're considering getting serious with someone, be sure to open the door to their character so you can catch a glimpse of who they really are, especially in those quiet moments when no one's looking.