Recently a friend asked for my advice about a guy she was dating. We had a great discussion about the distinction between "fun to be with" and "good", and how one actually has nothing to do with the other. Ideally our friends are both fun to be with AND good people. We're smart to expect both - but we're fools if we don't understand the difference between the two.
If you ask most people why they're friends with someone they'll say things like, "We have a lot in common", "We have fun together", or "He has a great sense of humor". These are all important aspects of friendship. That's why it seems natural to superimpose the same criteria onto a romantic relationship. After all, shouldn't your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse be your best friend? Absolutely! But that's not ALL he or she needs to be. Above all, a spouse has to also have good character. Fun is NECESSARY but not SUFFICIENT to a happy and lasting bond.
This is why it's so important to recognize the difference between Fun To Be With and Good, and to understand that the two are utterly unrelated. The fact that he's fun tells you as much about a guy's character as his shirt size.
All this begs the question, "Well then how can I know a person's character?" Start paying close attention to Character Markers. These are traits that reveal themselves when a person has nothing to gain - and perhaps even something to lose, even if it's just his pride. One of my favorite quotes is, "Your Character is Who You Are When No One's Looking." Here are some examples of Character Markers that open the door into a person's soul so you can have a look at his true character (I'm using "him" but of course the same goes for "her"):
- When you go out to eat, does he treat the wait staff with courtesy and respect?
- Does he call his Mom regularly, even when his Mom rattles on for hours about her sciatica?
- Does he take responsibility for himself or does he blame others for his mood?
- Is he kind to strangers?
- Does he admit it when he's wrong, and honestly try to make things right?
- Does he bash his ex, or does he take his share of responsibility for his last breakup? (remember, this is how he'll be talking about you someday if the relationship doesn't work out)
These are just a few, but you get the idea. Life is a series of challenges. No matter who you are or where you live, only one thing is certain. You will experience loss, pain and hardship. Those are the times you'll be the most grateful to have someone of good character alongside you in the foxhole. And that - not how fun the person is during the good times - will determine the strength of your relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking fun in the foxhole. Nothing beats a good laugh when the going gets rough! Just be aware that fun is not enough on its own. Without character it won't go the distance.
- Does he treat you with respect even when you're in the middle of a fight?
So if you're considering getting serious with someone, be sure to open the door to their character so you can catch a glimpse of who they really are, especially in those quiet moments when no one's looking.