Happiness as a Super Power
Some people are born with extraordinary beauty, a mind for numbers, musical talent, or athletic prowess. When cultivated and nurtured they can become super powers.
While I am not particularly beautiful, have zero athletic talent, and make babies cry when I try to sing - I too have a super power: I was born with the cheerful gene.
Over the years I have cultivated and nurtured this gift. I've given a great deal of thought to what happiness means and how people acquire it. I can't say I have cracked the code, but in answer to those who ask why I'm "always in a good mood" (even when I'm not!) here are 3 simple things that have worked for me:
1. Walk around feeling grateful
It is very difficult to be bitter or irritable or sad when you walk around feeling incredibly lucky. Grandma's advice to "Count your blessings" was no joke, and didn't only apply when things were going your way. In fact blessings are often most obvious during the tough times. For example:
Imagine I'm laid up with the flu. Counting my blessings is not what comes to mind as I lay in bed with a 102 degree fever! But if I did stop to think about it, those blessings would be too many to count. Things like:
- I have paid time off and don't have to worry about my job
- I have a great support system at home
- I have access to antibiotics and other medicines I need to get better and feel more comfortable
- I don't have to worry about access to clean water, healthy food, and a warm bed
- I have indoor plumbing and a clean environment in which to recover
- If things get really bad I have access to a hospital, and arguably the finest health care available in human history
2. Compare yourself to those LESS fortunate
Human nature relentlessly directs our attention to those more fortunate, more gifted and more successful, while blinding us to those who are less fortunate, less gifted or less successful.
This brings to mind a conversation I had with my son Kevin when he was around 9. We lived in California close to Disneyland but we couldn't afford to go very often. One night he seemed uncharacteristically sad, and when I asked what was troubling him he said, "I wish I was Bryan. He gets to go to Disneyland all the time." After assuring him that it's ok to want things we don't have, I asked him a question: "Do you think that somewhere out there there's a little boy talking to his mom, and saying "I wish I was Kevin. He has two parents at home who love him"? Or, "I wish I was Kevin, he never has to feel hungry"? Or, "I wish I was Kevin, he has so many friends at school"? I asked him what he thought that other boy might be saying about him, and for the next few minutes he listed off all the ways HE might be seen as the lucky one. Kevin went to bed that night feeling very lucky indeed - and a good deal happier than before.
3. Consider happiness your moral obligation
I wish I could claim this one because it's the best of all! In truth, I discovered it reading Dennis Prager's Happiness is a Serious Problem. In the book Mr. Prager claims that happiness is a moral obligation. Like most people hearing this for the first time I bristled, thinking it unfair and insensitive. After all, not everyone was born with the cheerful gene. And we all go through serious things in life that (seem to) preclude a state of happiness. Mr. Prager's direction to "act happy" even when you don't feel it offended my modern bias toward authenticity and self-acceptance.
But like many transformative ideas, this one deserved a second look through a more open mind. I evaluated it by comparing happiness to other obligations we honor every day, for example:
- Taking care of our children
- Obeying municipal laws
- Keeping promises
- Treating animals with kindness
Importantly, we are free to break these obligations if we choose. There are times we don't feel like tending to a sick child or helping a friend move. A sense of moral obligation is often what compels us to override our feelings and do them anyway. When we encounter someone who regularly defers to her feelings instead, we don't admire her authenticity and level of self-actualization! Rather, we consider her thoughtless, irresponsible, untrustworthy, or rude.
Some will say, "happiness is different because your mood is not a conscious choice." To them I'd pose this challenge. Think of a time when you were at your absolute worst: seething mad, depressed, despondent, resentful, etc. Now, your neighbor rings the doorbell. Before you answer, a genie appears and says "I will pay you one Billion dollars to smile and act cheerful to this person." Could you do it? If your answer is "yes", you actually can control how you act toward others, regardless of how you feel inside!
In this context it makes sense to consider "acting happy" a moral obligation for the benefit of those around us, just as we honor other obligations to contribute to the sort of society (or household) we want our children to inherit. To be clear: I am not saying we shouldn't share our true selves with friends and family. What I am suggesting is that we remain keenly aware of the impact our behavior has on those around us. We have the power to uplift or tear down. The power to create light or cast shadows, so it's appropriate to use that power wisely and not simply obey our own emotional impulses. (For another example of freedom from our emotions read Sex and Conversation)
In summary:
I hope this answers your questions about why I'm always (seemingly) in a good mood. I would have loved to have been born with a face like Angelina Jolie's or a voice like Whitney Houston's, but I'm happy with the cards I was dealt, because - well - being happy is what I do best! 😊