Work Stuff

Last week I left Cisco after 14 wonderful years. Unfortunately my unit was dissolved under the latest re-org / layoff round, so it's time to turn the page and begin a new chapter.

I often tell people "I'm the luckiest woman I know", and I can still claim that distinction. For some reason, God has smiled on my career path and it's been such a great joy learning and growing in new and unexpected ways.

My "real" career began in the production business in Southern California at a charming, quirky, one-of-a-kind place that did everything from staging, to commercials, to "industrial theater" and more. During that time I was the coolest Mom around! My young children got to come to the studio and see confetti cannons, cool state-of-the-art AVID edit bays (no jokes about my age, please!) and meet the most interesting cast of characters you can imagine. I got to do everything: hire talent, pitch creative ideas, organize equipment, manage crew packets and more; but the most valuable thing I honed during that time were my sales skills. During my time there I was also presented with a couple very challenging ethical dilemmas, which cemented my work values forever. Twice while there, I made very difficult "right decisions" that would come back to bless me years later, reinforcing that whatever the personal cost at the time, the right thing is always the right thing.

From that unconventional beginning I found my way into corporate life and loved it from day one. I understand all the issues of working for a large organization. The bureaucracy, getting lost in the shuffle, the politics - all of that can be challenging. But from the get-go I was dazzled by the complexity of it all. There were unending dots to connect, and opportunities to solve puzzles through creative reasoning and personal relationships. Connecting people, processes and tools became my jam, so corporate life was this kid's candy store! While there I was privileged to be part of Epson's ink re-branding campaign. I know, it sounds dry and boring but I found it fun, fascinating and SO MUCH FUN! If we're ever having coffee ask me about it :-)

That said, I did take a detour after relocating to North Carolina to work for a tech startup for a few years, and couldn't have enjoyed the experience more. I got to experience the beginnings of mobile digital video for police cars and other public vehicles. What a fascinating journey! Being a venture-backed, small company I got to wear every conceivable hat: marketing and communications, PR, advertising, channel support, events, sales enablement, and more. I loved the work, the people, and the adrenaline rush of being part of that company's meteoric rise as one of the fastest growing tech companies in the region.

The end of that great adventure marked the start of my Cisco career, which began as a consultant and evolved into a fulltime role. I was so fortunate to be there during the John Chambers days. What a joy and a privilege working for someone so clearly invested and in love with that business! I still smile, thinking of John bouncing around the stage at company meetings like a little kid on Christmas morning - full of excitement and positive energy which was part of Cisco's DNA. After 14 years there, and across multiple roles and growing levels of responsibility, I can honestly say I could count on one hand the number of people who weren't absolutely wonderful to work with. Professional, curious, brilliant, collaborative, kind people I was - and still am - so fortunate to have met.

With a history like that, who am I to doubt that the next chapter will be every bit as thrilling? Perhaps in 10 years I'll come back and update this post with another paragraph. Can't wait to see how the journey continues :-)

You Get What You Pet!

There's a fundamental principle in dog training: "You Get What You Pet." We have a giant, sweet, lumbering Mastiff mix who is not known for his subtlety. Whenever my husband comes over to chat or hug me, Londo magically appears from wherever in the house he was napping and noses his way (literally!) into the conversation. Without conscious thought I reach down to pet his handsome face and tell him what a sweet boy he is. Obviously, I am reinforcing his poor manners but I just can't resist his huge brown eyes and soft smile!

It occurs to me that "You get what you pet" goes for life as well as dog training. There's a brilliant admonition in the Bible, "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also," reminding us to be cognizant of what it is we value and where we spend our time. Long ago I began asking myself when stressed about something, "Will this matter on my last day?" If something won't matter a month or a week from now, it only deserves a small amount of stress. If something will matter a year or more from now it gets a bit more; and the things that matter for a lifetime deserve the most serious time and attention.

Applying this criterion reminds me to keep the right things in perspective. That project at work that keeps me up at night and popping Tums during the day - more often than not it won't matter even a month from now. On the other hand, time spent reading to my children, laughing with them or helping them with homework could impact how they raise their children and what sort of lives they will enjoy. It not only matters, it can actually reverberate for generations!

Unfortunately the things that do matter are often the first things we push aside in favor of the things that don't. "Honey I can't help with your homework because I have a deadline" deserves a sober second thought. Naturally, there's a balance that needs to be struck and there are times work has to come first. But for my part it's been helpful remembering that I'll get what I pet - so it behooves me to give attention to the things I want to grow and perpetuate. No doubt Londo would agree :-)

 

 

 


Happiness as a Super Power

Happiness as a Super Power

Some people are born with extraordinary beauty, a mind for numbers, musical talent, or athletic prowess. When cultivated and nurtured they can become super powers.

While I am not particularly beautiful, have zero athletic talent, and make babies cry when I try to sing - I too have a super power: I was born with the cheerful gene.

Over the years I have cultivated and nurtured this gift. I've given a great deal of thought to what happiness means and how people acquire it. I can't say I have cracked the code, but in answer to those who ask why I'm "always in a good mood" (even when I'm not!) here are 3 simple things that have worked for me:

1. Walk around feeling grateful

It is very difficult to be bitter or irritable or sad when you walk around feeling incredibly lucky. Grandma's advice to "Count your blessings" was no joke, and didn't only apply when things were going your way. In fact blessings are often most obvious during the tough times. For example:

Imagine I'm laid up with the flu. Counting my blessings is not what comes to mind as I lay in bed with a 102 degree fever! But if I did stop to think about it, those blessings would be too many to count. Things like: 

  • I have paid time off and don't have to worry about my job
  • I have a great support system at home
  • I have access to antibiotics and other medicines I need to get better and feel more comfortable
  • I don't have to worry about access to clean water, healthy food, and a warm bed
  • I have indoor plumbing and a clean environment in which to recover
  • If things get really bad I have access to a hospital, and arguably the finest health care available in human history
And so on. These may seem obvious or silly, but trust me they are not things to be taken for granted. I did nothing to deserve them. Millions of other people (many far more deserving than I) do not have them. I'm just plain lucky, and I know it. The "knowing it" is called gratitude. So even in the midst of a terrible flu I am keenly aware of my blessings. I may still feel feverish or nauseous or achy, but I certainly won't feel bitter or depressed.

2. Compare yourself to those LESS fortunate

Human nature relentlessly directs our attention to those more fortunate, more gifted and more successful, while blinding us to those who are less fortunate, less gifted or less successful. 

This brings to mind a conversation I had with my son Kevin when he was around 9. We lived in California close to Disneyland but we couldn't afford to go very often. One night he seemed uncharacteristically sad, and when I asked what was troubling him he said, "I wish I was Bryan. He gets to go to Disneyland all the time." After assuring him that it's ok to want things we don't have, I asked him a question: "Do you think that somewhere out there there's a little boy talking to his mom, and saying "I wish I was Kevin. He has two parents at home who love him"? Or, "I wish I was Kevin, he never has to feel hungry"? Or, "I wish I was Kevin, he has so many friends at school"? I asked him what he thought that other boy might be saying about him, and for the next few minutes he listed off all the ways HE might be seen as the lucky one. Kevin went to bed that night feeling very lucky indeed - and a good deal happier than before.

3. Consider happiness your moral obligation

I wish I could claim this one because it's the best of all! In truth, I discovered it reading Dennis Prager's Happiness is a Serious Problem. In the book Mr. Prager claims that happiness is a moral obligation. Like most people hearing this for the first time I bristled, thinking it unfair and insensitive. After all, not everyone was born with the cheerful gene. And we all go through serious things in life that (seem to) preclude a state of happiness. Mr. Prager's direction to "act happy" even when you don't feel it offended my modern bias toward authenticity and self-acceptance.  

But like many transformative ideas, this one deserved a second look through a more open mind. I evaluated it by comparing happiness to other obligations we honor every day, for example:

  • Taking care of our children
  • Obeying municipal laws
  • Keeping promises
  • Treating animals with kindness

Importantly, we are free to break these obligations if we choose. There are times we don't feel like tending to a sick child or helping a friend move. A sense of moral obligation is often what compels us to override our feelings and do them anyway. When we encounter someone who regularly defers to her feelings instead, we don't admire her authenticity and level of self-actualization! Rather, we consider her thoughtless, irresponsible, untrustworthy, or rude.

Some will say, "happiness is different because your mood is not a conscious choice." To them I'd pose this challenge. Think of a time when you were at your absolute worst: seething mad, depressed, despondent, resentful, etc. Now, your neighbor rings the doorbell. Before you answer, a genie appears and says "I will pay you one Billion dollars to smile and act cheerful to this person." Could you do it? If your answer is "yes", you actually can control how you act toward others, regardless of how you feel inside!

In this context it makes sense to consider "acting happy" a moral obligation for the benefit of those around us, just as we honor other obligations to contribute to the sort of society (or household) we want our children to inherit. To be clear: I am not saying we shouldn't share our true selves with friends and family. What I am suggesting is that we remain keenly aware of the impact our behavior has on those around us. We have the power to uplift or tear down. The power to create light or cast shadows, so it's appropriate to use that power wisely and not simply obey our own emotional impulses. (For another example of freedom from our emotions read Sex and Conversation)

In summary:

I hope this answers your questions about why I'm always (seemingly) in a good mood. I would have loved to have been born with a face like Angelina Jolie's or a voice like Whitney Houston's, but I'm happy with the cards I was dealt, because - well - being happy is what I do best! 😊 

Think Again

 
I grew up a confident and happy atheist. 

Dad's side of the family was Jewish, but of the cultural vs. religious variety. Mom had attended a Methodist church as a young child, but notions of God or Christ simply weren't part of our household zeitgeist.  My father is one of those 'bigger than life' personalities: an engineer and inventor who was brilliant, passionate, adventurous, and generous. He would never, ever be unkind to any individual, but he had an underlying attitude toward Christianity that bordered on disdain. 
 
Naturally, this influenced my own attitudes well into adulthood. I went through life proclaiming, "I believe in science, not religion!" But hubris can blind us. For someone who claimed allegiance to science and reason, I had never actually explored the science and reasoning behind atheism; I simply took it on faith (ironically!) that Dawkins, Hitchens, and Harris were right, and never thought to consider otherwise. I drank in the secular worldview, then sat back to bask in the positive reinforcement pouring in from all sides: music, television, movies, college professors, newspapers, and more - all telling me how smart and enlightened I was.
 
I also believed that Christians' ethics were imposed upon them, whereas atheists were free to choose their own values based on reason and science. It wasn't until middle-adulthood that I realized how wrong I was; that atheism is not only a religion in its own right, but an aggressively evangelical one at that! I realized my choice wasn't between dogma and free thinking. It was between competing dogmas (atheism and theism), and which one I chose to align myself with.

The laws of inertia state that something in motion will continue on its trajectory until acted upon by a force. So it was with my belief system as a young adult. My best friend in the world became a born-again Christian, and knocked my worldview completely off it's axis.

This particular friend was the smartest person I knew. At the time she was a PhD candidate, played every conceivable instrument, and had traveled the world. She was also a truthful person, and I could see that she was sincere. Try as I might to dismiss it I couldn’t shake the question, “How can someone so brilliant actually believe in that stuff?" I knew there had to be a substantive answer, otherwise people like her would never become believers.

So I got curious. I sought out the best contemporary Christian thinkers I could find, people like C.S. Lewis and Dinesh D'Souza to see what they had to say about the case for God. I found them surprisingly cogent; their claims were based on compelling evidence across historical, scientific and philosophical disciplines, and their reasoning and logic were impressively tight. 

Next, I set about studying the preeminent atheist thinkers: Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Sam Harris. To my surprise and dismay, their works were comparatively flimsy and rife with errors. Even with my rudimentary understanding of logic, the ad hominem remarks, non sequiturs, straw men, circular reasoning and false dilemmas jumped out at me.

I also couldn't help noticing a marked difference in tone: Lewis and D’Souza were calm, rational and respectful whereas Hitchens, Harris and Dawkins were often condescending, evasive, even snarky at times. This didn't help since I knew that when people resort to those tactics it means they have no real substance to anchor on.
 
I came away unsatisfied and dejected; it was rather like seeing your home team fail miserably in the most important game of the season. Over time, the more I dug in the less confident I became in my home faith. It seemed that in the bright light of serious inspection, atheism was all bark and no intellectual bite. 

Mind you, this dawning realization didn't happen over one sunny weekend. Atheism had burrowed its way deep into my psyche and old habits die hard, especially for those of us cursed with stubborn hearts!

C.S. Lewis shared of his own conversion, “I gave in, and admitted that God was God - perhaps that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England.”  

Likewise, despite years of searching diligently for empirical grounds to justify my atheism I finally, reluctantly had to admit that God was God. While atheism and theism both require a measure of faith, the evidence was in - and it pointed overwhelmingly to God as the far more rational choice. 

Not only did the Christian worldview ultimately satisfy my need for intellectual fulfillment, it was, to quote Greg Koukl, "the best explanation for the way things are." To the eternal mysteries of human nature, good and evil, the fine-tuning of our own universe, and the infinite cosmos beyond, Christianity offered a uniquely beautiful and elegant response. 

I wish my conversion story were more romantic or emotionally compelling, but we all come to truth in different ways. For me it had to come through my mind first, and the heart would follow. 
 
In a way, becoming Christian was like becoming a parent. From that moment on, every thought, decision, action and point of view could only be seen through the lens of my new paradigm. Entire worlds opened up in my heart, and suddenly everything made sense: why we’re here, why we matter, how precious we are, and the glorious shared purpose of humanity.

25 years after my conversion the journey continues for me - and I pray it continues for you, wherever it leads. May the Lord our God grant us humility to listen, wisdom to recognize truth, and courage to follow it to the end of our days. Amen.


Postscript: in the interest of brevity I omitted why I chose to follow Jesus of Nazareth rather than perusing a different religion. Perhaps someday I'll expand on this. For now suffice it to say that this was another collaboration between my heart and my mind. Jesus alone fulfilled the deepest yearnings of both, and opened my eyes to a purpose and joy I found unique to the faith. 

Three Minutes to Live

Air travel is exhausting these days. More often than not you're subject to flight delays, cancellations and detours leading to the awkward sprint-lurch through the airport dragging heavy bags behind you, spilling sticky Starbucks drinks on your suit, sweating like a pro wrestler, and praying you'll make your connecting flight - which without fail is taking off from the far opposite terminal.

I recently returned from THAT trip. Exhausted, consumed with pain (ref don't be a pain) - and yet the lucky recipient of a most unexpected revelation.

On one connecting leg, we experienced some routine turbulence. Nothing dramatic, but it got me thinking: "what if my number was up, and I was on a flight that actually DID go down - what would my last thoughts be if I knew I only had 3 minutes left to live?"

Well, before I had time to think about it consciously, the answer hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. So clearly, with stunning certainty, in an instant:

"THANK YOU. Thank you God for all the love I have had in my life. Thank you for the exquisite joy of raising children, and for the love we share even now that they're grown. Thank you for the love of my wonderful Mike, for his pure goodness and loyal friendship, and the way he loves me. Thank you for all the beauty I have seen, and heard, and for all the good people I've known. Thank you for your guidance; for helping me to be better than I really am. My life on this earth could not possibly have been more lovely. Thank you for giving me this little glimpse of heaven here on earth" 

I was completely consumed with a singular sensation of gratitude. How impossibly blessed I am, that THAT is the thing that would fill my heart and mind in those last precious moments, rather than regret or sadness or fear. It took me totally by surprise - almost like jumping into the Pacific ocean and gasping from the shock of the cold. I blinked my eyes and realized my cheeks were wet with tears. When I'd recovered my senses, I realized what a gift this was. Permission of a sort to leave worldly stresses behind and bask in the knowledge that all would be well. I had already experienced the best this life has to offer. Everything else is just icing, to be savored for as long as I'm here.

Don't get me wrong, I plan to stay around for a good long time. Long enough to see my grandchildren get married and take their own first steps toward discovery of heaven on earth. But whenever my time does come I'll be ready. Ready to look back with joy and gratitude. Ready to leave with peace on my heart, carrying with me every bit of the love I've been so privileged to receive in life.

WHO ARE YOU?

October 2021

My grandmother was a Russian Jew who narrowly escaped a pogrom in her village as a child. Like many descendants of those people I’ve always found stories of that time especially poignant and personal.

I’ve also been fascinated at how these things happened right in front of the non-Jews living all around them, whose lives seemed to continue on with little impact. Did they realize what was going on? Or had they been told that Jews were the enemy often enough by people in authority that eventually they accepted it as truth? 

Historically when one group of people is singled out for persecution, the remaining population falls into three groups:

  1. Those who simply go about their business unaware of what is going on, or who don't care because they're not personally impacted.
  2. Self-appointed enforcers who gleefully point out the offenders to demonstrate their loyalty to the regime and (they hope) preserve their own favorable standing.
  3. A courageous few who despite being exempt from persecution themselves, risk everything to stand up to tyranny because they answer to higher ideals which transcend cultural or political whims. 
It was this group who helped people like my grandmother during the war, or became resistance icons like Witold Pilecki and Oskar Schindler. They understood what was happening and did something about it. Many others risked their own lives by hiding Jewish families in their homes or helping them escape the country. 

Growing up, people like that were my archetypes of courage and character. I’d ask myself, “If this happened today, who would I be? If all the chips were down and it would cost me everything, would I have the moral courage to help a Jew?”

We all like to think we are in group 3 but history tells us otherwise. The majority of people fall into group 1, with a good number in 2 and a smaller percentage in 3. 

And it's no wonder. Remember, the horrors of the holocaust were preceded by an all-out PSYOP campaign to turn people against the Jews and separate them from mainstream life. The Reich controlled the public narrative and enforced it through aggressive and unrelenting media campaigns. As Hitler’s own Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels famously said, “If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes accepted as truth."  No wonder many businesses displayed “No Jews Allowed” signs in their windows. No wonder Jews were routinely turned away from movie theaters, concerts, shows, and other public venues. 

In fact, the propaganda was so effective that before long many people believed that Jews shouldn't be allowed to mix with Gentiles at all, much less attend school with their children. Finally, laws were passed preventing Jews from entering civil service, the military, medicine, teaching and other professions, all in the name of the "public good." Widespread protests did nothing at all to deter the hell-bent Reich from their agenda. 


 

By the time Jews were physically separated from the general population many people were relieved, believing they were safer not being exposed to the Jews. It's worth noting that the propaganda did not have to be true to be effective. People were thoroughly convinced that Jews posed an imminent threat to their way of life, despite the fact that they had been associating with Jewish friends, neighbors and co-workers for months or years without suffering any ill effects at all! What had changed, other than the narrative? How right Goebbels was. And how different history would look if people had believed what they actually saw and experienced, rather than the narrative that was being sold to them.

The parallels between this and what is happening today are striking. Pick up the NY times or the Washington Post and substitute the word "Jew" for "unvaccinated." If you have any moral sense at all you'll be appropriately alarmed; it is virtually indistinguishable from anything published by the Reich during WWII, right down to "necessary measures being taken to avoid the spread of misinformation." Word. For. Word.

Exactly like the Jews in the months leading up to the holocaust, the un-vaxed are being banished from civil service, the military, medicine, teaching, and other professions (also presumably for the "public good"). No matter that millions of un-vaxed police officers, soldiers, nurses, doctors, teachers and others have been doing their jobs continually over the last 3 years without making anyone sick at all. In fact there is not a single documented case of anyone getting sick from exposure to a healthy, asymptomatic unvaccinated person! Why then are the un-vaxed suddenly unfit to mix with the general population? What has changed, other than the divisive narrative being sold to the public? 

               


Hitler was in excellent company. The most unthinkable atrocities in history have been committed in the name of the public good - just ask the 7 million Ukrainians Stalin intentionally starved to death, or the millions of Armenians slaughtered in Turkey, or the Cambodians lying in mass graves at the pleasure of Pol Pot. Those are just three in a long list of Governments who decided that a certain contingent wasn't going along with the program and needed to be dealt with. 

In the news March 23 2021 (link provided in the hopes that YouTube doesn't pull it down): Canadian government pledges $23.7M for isolation camps across Ontario for people who have been diagnosed with "or possibly exposed to" COVID. This is not an obtuse reference to what Hitler did, it is exactly the same thing. 

As today's un-vaxed are labeled "human filth" and worse, with people advocating for shunning, firing, and other punitive measures, I urge good people everywhere to consider two questions: 

  1. Am I being rational? No question that it's rational to fear someone infected with Leprosy or Ebola or Tuberculosis. It's even rational to keep your distance and wash your hands after being exposed to someone with a common cold or flu. But is it rational to fear perfectly healthy, asymptomatic people? Some will rebut, "she could be a carrier and not know it!" But hasn't that always been true, of any illness or disease? How do you know that your vaccinated neighbor doesn't have TB or another infectious disease? You don't! Yet you don't steer clear because they "might have something contagious." You use common sense and make rational judgments based on how people look and act, as people have done since the beginning of time. How in 2021 have we been convinced that healthy, asymptomatic people pose not only a threat, but one so deadly that it warrants banishment from mainstream society? Is it based on rational observation and sound common sense? Or is it because we've been told that lie often enough by people in authority that we actually believe it? 
  2. Who am I?  Will I look the other way because mandates and restrictions don’t apply to me? Will I point at the unvaccinated and turn them in to the authorities to demonstrate my loyalty? Or, will I have the moral clarity and courage to stand up and fight tyranny whenever and wherever it happens, be it against Jews, Blacks, Asians, Christians, or the Unvaccinated?”

As perfectly healthy people around you continue losing their jobs, health insurance, homes, access to grocery stores, banks, public schools, airports and even critical hospital care, which group will you be a part of

When history looks back on this time, what will your grandchildren say about who you were in 2021?


On Following the Science 

If you're inclined to "follow the science" consider this: a defining hallmark of legitimate science is that it welcomes rigorous review and debate. Real scientists recognize that knowledge cannot advance without ongoing scrutiny and revision. In 1633 Galileo was arrested for daring to challenge the assertion that the sun revolved around the earth. The fact that he was punished for offering a difference of opinion tells us everything we need to know. This had nothing to do with science and everything to do with politics. 

In 2021 right here in America, the Federation of State Medical Boards recently declared: "Physicians who spread COVID-19 vaccine misinformation are risking disciplinary action by state medical boards, including the suspension or revocation of their medical license.

Exactly who decides what constitutes "misinformation" - especially on the topic of a brand new virus? Shouldn't open discussion and questions be encouraged in the interest of accelerating discovery? Why is this so different? When else have second opinions been punishable by banishment from medicine? 

Did you also know that parents have actually been arrested as domestic terrorists for showing up at school board meetings to voice their concerns about the effects of lockdowns and face masks on developing children? 

Across the board, only one rigid viewpoint is permitted and anyone daring to question it is immediately punished. People can debate whether the Government's motives in all of this are nefarious or simply misguided. But of one thing we can be certain: this has nothing to do with science. 

________________________________________________

Sex and Conversation

Bill wants sex. Mary's tired, and just not in the mood. She tells Bill, "I've had a long day, and I'm just not up to having sex right now." Bill replies, "You're my wife - you're supposed to be there for me when I need you!"

Most people would consider Bill a thoughtless neanderthal at best.

Put that aside for a minute and consider this one:
Mary has had a horrible day. Her boss has been on her back, she was rear-ended getting lunch, and then found out her sister's husband left her for another woman. She finally gets home, bursts in the door and says to Bill, "You would not BELIEVE the day I just had!!!"

Bill turns his back and walks away saying, "I've had a long day, and I'm just not up to listening to you right now." Mary replies, "You're my husband - you're supposed to be there for me when I need you!"

Most people would consider Bill a cold, uncaring, thoughtless man.

Wait a minute: In both cases, one person has a fundamental need: Bill for sex, Mary for someone to talk to. Each one a powerful and primal need for men and women respectively. And in each case, the other wasn't in the mood to fulfill that need.

Why is Bill an insensitive pig for expecting his wife to meet his most basic need, but Mary is justified in expecting her husband to meet hers? It sure seems that the system is rigged for men to be the bad guy no matter what.

Next time you're "not in the mood", ask yourself how you would feel if your husband decided one day that he "wasn't in the mood" to listen to you, or "wasn't in the mood" to visit your Mother on the weekend, or "wasn't in the mood" to fix the toilet. Would you immediately withdraw your expectations and cheerfully defer to his mood? If you're answer is "No", you'd better think twice before expecting anything different from him.

Where else in life do we apply the standard, "Only If I Feel Like It"? Being in a loving, committed relationship means being there for each other whether you feel like it or not. I realize how un-pc this is, but it's something we already know instinctively. Do mothers only change diapers or feed their children when they feel like it? Does the breadwinner in the family only go to work when he or she feels like it? Love means caring for anther's needs over and above our own. It involves, well, sacrifice. If you'd rather live life at the whim and mercy of your immediate feelings and moods, don't begrudge others when they do the same. And whatever you do, don't get married!

I'm not saying your husband shouldn't be understanding if you're occasionally just too pooped for passion. But realize that his need for sex is every bit as foundational as your need for emotional intimacy. Rejection hurts him in the same way it would hurt you if he turned his back when you needed someone to talk to. 

We women can't have it both ways. If you expect him to defer to your "moods" when you don't feel like sex, you'd better be ready to defer to his when he'd rather watch football than hear about your day.

Related article: Girl Power!

Don't Be a Pain

I used to be a pain in the neck. Let me explain.

My neck is chock full of hardware. Neurosurgery combined with two cervical fusions have left me with 2 titanium rods, 15 screws, bone grafts, some wire and a metal cage supporting my head. It hurts. All the time. Sitting on an airplane, being bumped around on a long car ride, or even looking down for too long can provoke mind-numbing agony.

Even so, I enjoy an absolutely extraordinary quality of life. Mastering "Mood Over Pain" has been the lynchpin of my recovery. Specifically, I'd like to share 5 tactics that have worked for me, in the hopes that others living with chronic pain might find a nugget or two they can use in their own journey toward a full and happy life.
  1. Understand the Journey:  Most of all, understand that it IS a journey. Things will get better. Life will seem normal again. Dealing with long-term physical therapy and rehab can wear you down and have you believing that this is what your new life looks like. Always remember that this is a stage - as painful, long and tough as it may be. Someday it will settle into a new "normal" that you can not only live with, but thrive within.

  2. Consider the Alternative:  As difficult as these surgeries can be, imagine for a moment what an incredible gift they are. Consider the alternative: Living with (or dying from) your condition because you didn't have access to a good surgeon. The level of healthcare we enjoy in this country today is unprecedented in human history, and you and I were just lucky enough to be born at the right time and in the right place to benefit from it. How incredibly blessed we are!

  3. Re-Condition Your Thinking:  Every time you hear yourself think, "I used to be able to (fill-in-the-blank), now I can't even (fill-in-the-blank)", STOP.  Immediately replace the thought with "I can still . . ." and fill in the blank with something else, no matter how small. "I can still read stories to my grandchildren" leaves you in an entirely different frame of mind than, "I'll never be able to water ski again."

    I was amazed when I started re-focusing on all the things I still could do; not only at how long the list was, but at how rich it was. It included those things that have always mattered the most, even pre-injury. Things like time with my family, visiting friends, and doing fulfilling work where I can contribute and be challenged. Conversely, there was not one thing on my Can't Anymore list that was truly going to matter on my last day. This  epiphany gave me a deep sense of comfort which enabled me to let go of the Can't Anymores with far less angst. I was still 100% able to be there for my family and friends, to support and love them and to extend kindness to others, even to enjoy my work and continue to grow and learn. In the end, aren't those the things that really matter anyway?

  4. Prioritize: What does your family need from you - not according to you, but according to them? 

    I always thought that being Superwoman meant making dinner every night after working a 12-hr day, keeping the house clean and baking homemade birthday cakes for loved ones ("Store bought?? Perish the thought!"). My condition left me feeling like a useless failure because I could no longer "take care of my family" in the same manner I had before.

    After countless tearful rants about how "I can't do ANYTHING anymore without ending up flat on my back in pain", my wise  husband sat me down, looked me in the eye and said, "Honey, I didn't marry you to cook my dinner or clean the house. I married you because you're my best friend. All I really need is for you to be my friend." The irony is that my stubborn determination to push through the pain in order to "provide" was actually undermining my ability to provide the one thing my husband really needed from me. 

    It's taken a long time, but I've finally come to the realization that being my best, happy self is a serious responsibility and that I owe it to my marriage to do whatever I have to do to protect and maintain that state. If that means not cleaning the bathroom on a given day, so be it. 

    Another way to think of it is this: You have a finite number of comfortable, productive moments in a day (I call it "neck-quity"!) Once it's all used up you're unable to move around the way you'd like and get things done. So being very intentional about how you spend your pain equity will help you make the most of every day.

  5. It's Not All About You: Severe and sustained pain is horrible. It's all-consuming. It pinches us where it hurts - right in the heart - and leaves us feeling dark and small and alone. When you're in that state it's nearly impossible to think of others. However, if you're able to force yourself out of your "pain place" the effect can be downright transformational. Doing for others opens your heart and lets in the light. It pushes away feelings of isolation and despair, even if just for a little while. And remember, Doing for Others doesn't need to be anything earth-shaking. Think of a friend who's going through a hard time and pick up the phone to say hello and offer an ear. Tell a lady at the grocery store how pretty her coat is. Any little thing that brightens someone's day or puts a smile on their face will usually do the trick. I've developed a keen radar over the last few years for my own self-absorption. I know when it's bubbled up too far and needs to be dealt with. That's when I turn my thoughts to Doing for Others and look for opportunities to be there for someone else.

    A variation on the theme is this: whether you're at work, the mall, the grocery store or the ballpark - take a look around. Every last person you see is dealing with something, guaranteed. A lost loved one, aging parents, sick children, job loss, bankruptcy, illness, substance abuse - the list goes on forever. Being acutely aware of this is humbling, and I find that it helps me avoid getting too absorbed in my own discomfort.
Practicing these 5 basic rules helps me remember that I cannot allow my pain to define me. I am NOT a pain in the neck. I HAVE a pain in the neck, and you know what? I can live with that.

Girl Power!

In 1950's America, women had little control over their own lives. They were stuck at home barefoot and pregnant. They weren't valued or respected in the same ways men were. They had no real career options. They were dependent on their husbands, for better or for worse. Women as a group were repressed and unhappy.

Or were they?

Conventional wisdom today paints a picture of the mid-century housewife that looks like - well - Betty Draper. Sad, trapped, powerless, frustrated Betty Draper. But if we look at how people back then actually saw themselves, a very different image emerges. If film and television reflect the current culture, we can gain insight into how people viewed themselves by looking at the icons of the day.

What we find is that female icons of the 50s were hardly timid, obedient doormats at the mercy and whim of the male power structure. Quite the contrary, they were the likes of Lauren Bacall, Maureen O'Hara and Katherine Hepburn, whose power  and influence left legions of heartbroken, defenseless men in its wake! Their power came not from attempting to "beat men at their own game", but from their brilliant and bold expressions of femininity

Could it be that modern feminism got it all wrong? That we abdicated our true power in favor of some second-rate version of masculinity - and that in doing so we've actually made women less happy, less powerful and less fulfilled than their mid-century counterparts?

To answer that question we need to put aside conventional wisdom and find out how life really was in the 50s.  Were women truly as unhappy and stifled as we're given to believe? Are women in fact happier today? Is American society stronger and healthier as a result of feminism? Let's take a look.
    Were women in fact unhappy and unfulfilled in the '30s, '40s and '50s?
    What kind of children did they raise? It's probably safe to assume that unhappy, repressed women generally do not beget happy, smart, productive children. This would be even more true retrospectively since most women back then stayed home with their children rather than dropping them off at day care, amplifying the impact they would have had on their children's' psyches.

    So how did they turn out? Well, in 1969 the children of those powerless, repressed women living under a misogynistic patriarchy figured out how to put a man on the moon!  We also know that between 1945 and 1960, the gross national product more than doubled, growing from $200 billion to more than $500 billion. Unemployment rates, crime rates, housing costs and inflation were all low, while middle class wages, literacy rates and high school graduation rates were soaring. America, by any objective measure we have available to us was thriving and growing.

    This alone should lead us to question our assumptions about the mothers of those remarkable achievers. It also forces us to confront two possibilities. Either:
    1. Unhappy women raise overwhelmingly happy, productive children, in which case we need to revisit the claim, "I'll be a better parent if I'm happy and fulfilled" - or,
    2.  Women were actually quite fulfilled in their roles providing strength and encouragement to their husbands and raising smart, happy, inventive children.
    Has modern feminism made women happier?
    Let's turn to data which are statistically linked to stress rates and depression. These include suicide rates, drug addiction/abuse rates and stress-related conditions such as heart attacks, strokes, ulcers and infertility (which is frequently cited as a cause of depression among women today). If women of the 40's and 50's were chronically unhappy and feeling trapped and devalued, we'd expect them to suffer from much higher rates of these types of conditions. But that's not at all what we find. By all objective accounts these numbers are far higher today especially among women than they've ever been before (see below for links to common data sources).

    Note: One could rightly argue that "Women's issues were undiagnosed or under-reported." Maybe. Maybe not. We simply have no way to accurately measure if and to what extent that is true. Likewise, one could say that women have heart attacks today for all sorts of reasons other than stress or depression -  environmental changes, food preservatives, moon cycles and so on. But it would only be speculation since we don't have any credible data linking those factors to heart attacks in women, while the correlation between happiness and stress-related illnesses (in both men and women) has been well documented for decades.

    The actual data seem to invalidate the claim that women are happier today than they were in 1950. Have we cut off our noses to spite our faces? Women of the 50s didn't have to worry about finding a replacement sitter when they were up against a deadline and the nanny called in sick. They didn't have to stress about skipping work to attend parent meetings at school. They didn't have to spend evenings and weekends catching up on laundry, housework and chores. They didn't have to make arrangements for someone to pick up the kids from school when they had to work late. They didn't have to call in sick because a child was home with the flu. They didn't have to dash out of the office every day, pick up the kids at day care, stop at the store for groceries, cook dinner, help with homework, bathe the little ones, read bedtime stories and tuck everyone in - all after a stressful day at the office. Honest women can't deny that while modern feminism may have improved certain aspects of our lives, it has also given rise to  an entirely new set of stresses which can seriously impact our happiness.

    Did some of our 1950s counterparts wish they had broader career options? Sure, some did. Did some wish they could divorce their husbands without financial devastation or public shame? No doubt about it. I just wonder how those troubles stack up against all the new ones we've inherited  in the name of a "better life" for women.

    And what about society in general? Has society benefited from the feminist movement? Societal health is measured by things like cost of living, crime rates, housing costs, unemployment levels, literacy rates, healthcare costs, percentages of high school and college graduates, and so on.

    I'll spare you the inclusion of pages and pages of raw data. These figures are easily accessible from the US Census Bureau, the Bureau of Justice Statistics, the Center for Financial Stability, the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, the National Center for Education Statistics and many other substantiated sources.

    Suffice it to say that by any measure we have available to us today, society was extraordinarily successful in the 1950s. In fact the data seem to indicate that it was more successful in many ways than American society in 2015.  We can debate why this is true - the issues are many and complex. Nobody is claiming that the reason for the downtrend is women in the workforce! But to claim that modern feminism has improved life in America - for women or for anyone else - would simply have no basis in fact.

    Still, the feminist movement is lauded unchallenged as a huge leap forward for women. Maybe it's time to ask ourselves on what basis we make that assumption.

    Maybe conventional wisdom has it wrong and Betty Draper has little to do with reality after all. Maybe the truth looks a lot more like Lauren, Maureen and Katherine standing up tall and defiant, hands on hips and chins in the air, eyes blazing, setting the record straight.

    Postscript:
    In a world where women are indeed powerful, would they be so quick to sue men for saying offensive things? Before you start licking envelopes to send me your hate male - it goes without saying that physical violence should NEVER be tolerated. However when I see women suing men over saying offensive things or looking at them the wrong way, they strike me as no different than a petulant little girl who goes running to Daddy because someone was mean to her on the playground. Just because she's running to her lawyer now instead of Daddy, she is no more powerful than the sad little girl who needs someone to rescue her. A strong woman ignores rude remarks, walks away, or issues a clever comeback when it's safe to do so - she doesn't need her Daddy or anyone else to save her. 

    I recognize that many of you will disagree. Some may even call me ignorant, naive, wrongheaded or worse. That's perfectly ok, I can take it like a man :-)

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