Most people would consider Bill a cold, uncaring, thoughtless man.
Thoughts ranging from modern feminism and how it's made women weaker, to values, ethics and logic.
Sex and Conversation
Most people would consider Bill a cold, uncaring, thoughtless man.
Don't Be a Pain
- Understand the Journey: Most of all, understand that it IS a journey. Things will get better. Life will seem normal again. Dealing with long-term physical therapy and rehab can wear you down and have you believing that this is what your new life looks like. Always remember that this is a stage - as painful, long and tough as it may be. Someday it will settle into a new "normal" that you can not only live with, but thrive within.
- Consider the Alternative: As difficult as these surgeries can be, imagine for a moment what an incredible gift they are. Consider the alternative: Living with (or dying from) your condition because you didn't have access to a good surgeon. The level of healthcare we enjoy in this country today is unprecedented in human history, and you and I were just lucky enough to be born at the right time and in the right place to benefit from it. How incredibly blessed we are!
- Re-Condition Your Thinking: Every time you hear yourself think, "I used to be able to (fill-in-the-blank), now I can't even (fill-in-the-blank)", STOP. Immediately replace the thought with "I can still . . ." and fill in the blank with something else, no matter how small. "I can still read stories to my grandchildren" leaves you in an entirely different frame of mind than, "I'll never be able to water ski again."
I was amazed when I started re-focusing on all the things I still could do; not only at how long the list was, but at how rich it was. It included those things that have always mattered the most, even pre-injury. Things like time with my family, visiting friends, and doing fulfilling work where I can contribute and be challenged. Conversely, there was not one thing on my Can't Anymore list that was truly going to matter on my last day. This epiphany gave me a deep sense of comfort which enabled me to let go of the Can't Anymores with far less angst. I was still 100% able to be there for my family and friends, to support and love them and to extend kindness to others, even to enjoy my work and continue to grow and learn. In the end, aren't those the things that really matter anyway? - Prioritize: What does your family need from you - not according to you, but according to them?
I always thought that being Superwoman meant making dinner every night after working a 12-hr day, keeping the house clean and baking homemade birthday cakes for loved ones ("Store bought?? Perish the thought!"). My condition left me feeling like a useless failure because I could no longer "take care of my family" in the same manner I had before.
After countless tearful rants about how "I can't do ANYTHING anymore without ending up flat on my back in pain", my wise husband sat me down, looked me in the eye and said, "Honey, I didn't marry you to cook my dinner or clean the house. I married you because you're my best friend. All I really need is for you to be my friend." The irony is that my stubborn determination to push through the pain in order to "provide" was actually undermining my ability to provide the one thing my husband really needed from me.
It's taken a long time, but I've finally come to the realization that being my best, happy self is a serious responsibility and that I owe it to my marriage to do whatever I have to do to protect and maintain that state. If that means not cleaning the bathroom on a given day, so be it.
Another way to think of it is this: You have a finite number of comfortable, productive moments in a day (I call it "neck-quity"!) Once it's all used up you're unable to move around the way you'd like and get things done. So being very intentional about how you spend your pain equity will help you make the most of every day. - It's Not All About You: Severe and sustained pain is horrible. It's all-consuming. It pinches us where it hurts - right in the heart - and leaves us feeling dark and small and alone. When you're in that state it's nearly impossible to think of others. However, if you're able to force yourself out of your "pain place" the effect can be downright transformational. Doing for others opens your heart and lets in the light. It pushes away feelings of isolation and despair, even if just for a little while. And remember, Doing for Others doesn't need to be anything earth-shaking. Think of a friend who's going through a hard time and pick up the phone to say hello and offer an ear. Tell a lady at the grocery store how pretty her coat is. Any little thing that brightens someone's day or puts a smile on their face will usually do the trick. I've developed a keen radar over the last few years for my own self-absorption. I know when it's bubbled up too far and needs to be dealt with. That's when I turn my thoughts to Doing for Others and look for opportunities to be there for someone else.
A variation on the theme is this: whether you're at work, the mall, the grocery store or the ballpark - take a look around. Every last person you see is dealing with something, guaranteed. A lost loved one, aging parents, sick children, job loss, bankruptcy, illness, substance abuse - the list goes on forever. Being acutely aware of this is humbling, and I find that it helps me avoid getting too absorbed in my own discomfort.
Girl Power!
- Unhappy women raise overwhelmingly happy, productive children, in which case we need to revisit the claim, "I'll be a better parent if I'm happy and fulfilled" - or,
- Women were actually quite fulfilled in their roles providing strength and encouragement to their husbands and raising smart, happy, inventive children.
Ode to the Patriarchy
My Superlative Man
I'll concede, there's a possibility that Mike didn't actually hang the moon. But I bet he could figure out how if he needed to.
Related: Girl Power!
Confused Compassionates
- Those who believed that blacks were not "fully human", which exempted them from the rights and protections others enjoyed.
- Those who believed that blacks were fully human, thus deserving of the same rights and protections as anyone else.
- Those who believe the unborn are not "fully human", which exempts them from the rights and protections others enjoy.
- Those who believe the unborn are fully human, thus deserving of the same rights and protections as anyone else.
We've Won the Lottery!
What are the odds of winning the lottery in your country or state? Most estimates in the US are around 1 in 300 million or so. Now consider this:
Of the world's population, only 17% are lucky enough to live in a developed country. Of those, only about 70% are employed right now according to Statista. And of that group, a mere 30% report enjoying the work they do.
Even if we stopped right there, many of us would find ourselves amongst a scant 3% of humanity who enjoys similar blessings. If we piled on things like happy children, a good marriage, and decent health the odds become so small they're nearly incalculable.
None of this diminishes the pain and turmoil life throws our way. It's just a reminder that while every last human being experiences heartache and tragedy very, very few enjoy the privileges most of us take for granted every day.
Odds of winning the lottery? That's nothing we haven't already beat several times over :-)
First Offendment
- If you are a person who fights for the rights of minorities, gays and the poverty-stricken, and you believe that whether someone is blue, green, transgender or handicapped they have the right to live free in America without fear of retribution or persecution, I genuinely applaud you. I hope you know that most Christians agree with you. Just know that if the respect and freedom you advocate for is not extended to everyone – including and especially those who disagree with you – what you’re actually advocating for is tyranny.
- Please don’t let anyone trap you into a false dichotomy. It’s a very common but effective logical fallacy that goes like this: There are two and only two possibilities, only one of which can be true. In the context of this discussion it goes something like this – there are only two possibilities. Either:
Why it’s so easy to lure people into a false dichotomy, I don’t know. Maybe it’s easier to just group people into categories and label everyone who differs with you as “bad” because it makes you feel safe and accepted. Maybe that’s what drove the Nazi’s in the ‘40s, and the people who hung blacks by trees in the 60’s. Maybe it’s what drives the progressive elite today. All I know is, wherever that kind of thinking has prevailed society has become less kind, less tolerant, and a whole lot less free.
Make no mistake. “Diversity” and “Tolerance” are reserved for a very select group of people and it’s abundantly clear that Conservatives and Christians are not among them. So we all have a choice to make. We can either “sit down and shut up”, or continue to stand up, speak up and be subject to persecution and ridicule for holding a certain set of beliefs – even when those very beliefs command us to treat others with respect and dignity. I choose the latter, and I hope you'll join me.
Sock Blindness
- Know that he's not leaving the socks on the floor on purpose, or out of laziness or neglect.
- Understand that what's important to you (a clean floor) may not be important to him; therefore, you are asking HIM to do YOU a favor by picking up his socks. This sets you up to appreciate that he's picking them up, rather than being disappointed in him for not picking them up without your asking.
- Ask, and be specific! In other words, tell him precisely how he can win. "You're such a slob - you're always leaving your dirty socks on the floor" means the game's over and he already lost. That's hardly going to inspire him to participate the next time around.
Fat Chance
"We celebrate differences in age, gender, family status, race, ethnicity, religion, disability, sexual orientation, appearance, thought and mannerisms."
Open Sesame
Recently a friend asked for my advice about a guy she was dating. We had a great discussion about the distinction between "fun to be with" and "good", and how one actually has nothing to do with the other. Ideally our friends are both fun to be with AND good people. We're smart to expect both - but we're fools if we don't understand the difference between the two.
If you ask most people why they're friends with someone they'll say things like, "We have a lot in common", "We have fun together", or "He has a great sense of humor". These are all important aspects of friendship. That's why it seems natural to superimpose the same criteria onto a romantic relationship. After all, shouldn't your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse be your best friend? Absolutely! But that's not ALL he or she needs to be. Above all, a spouse has to also have good character. Fun is NECESSARY but not SUFFICIENT to a happy and lasting bond.
This is why it's so important to recognize the difference between Fun To Be With and Good, and to understand that the two are utterly unrelated. The fact that he's fun tells you as much about a guy's character as his shirt size.
All this begs the question, "Well then how can I know a person's character?" Start paying close attention to Character Markers. These are traits that reveal themselves when a person has nothing to gain - and perhaps even something to lose, even if it's just his pride. One of my favorite quotes is, "Your Character is Who You Are When No One's Looking." Here are some examples of Character Markers that open the door into a person's soul so you can have a look at his true character (I'm using "him" but of course the same goes for "her"):
- When you go out to eat, does he treat the wait staff with courtesy and respect?
- Does he call his Mom regularly, even when his Mom rattles on for hours about her sciatica?
- Does he take responsibility for himself or does he blame others for his mood?
- Is he kind to strangers?
- Does he admit it when he's wrong, and honestly try to make things right?
- Does he bash his ex, or does he take his share of responsibility for his last breakup? (remember, this is how he'll be talking about you someday if the relationship doesn't work out)
These are just a few, but you get the idea. Life is a series of challenges. No matter who you are or where you live, only one thing is certain. You will experience loss, pain and hardship. Those are the times you'll be the most grateful to have someone of good character alongside you in the foxhole. And that - not how fun the person is during the good times - will determine the strength of your relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking fun in the foxhole. Nothing beats a good laugh when the going gets rough! Just be aware that fun is not enough on its own. Without character it won't go the distance.
- Does he treat you with respect even when you're in the middle of a fight?
So if you're considering getting serious with someone, be sure to open the door to their character so you can catch a glimpse of who they really are, especially in those quiet moments when no one's looking.
Running Out of Esteem
A. Junior High and High School can be a very tough time.
B. Self esteem is a huge issue as evidenced by recent, tragic tales of teen suicide which many schools around the country have attributed to bullying.
C. Teens - particularly girl teens - are painfully sensitive about their weight.
The Christian and The Straw Man
A Soldier’s Profile
It’s hard being the mother of a soldier. There are all the obvious reasons: you never know whether your child is safe; and if he is, for how long. You worry about how the stress and trauma will affect this marvelous person you kissed goodbye at the airport, and if he’ll ever be the same. Most of all, you worry about whether he’ll remember how much you love him.
But by far, the hardest thing is hearing casual stereotypes being thrown around about what kind of people our soldiers are. Most often they are subtle, passing remarks which reveal an attitude or impression about the men and women in uniform. If you will forgive the source and look past the “pedestal syndrome” so inevitable when a mother talks about her son, I would like to tell you a little bit about my son Kevin in the hopes that you come away with a more thoughtful impression of exactly who the American Soldier is.
Kevin has always been an extraordinary person. When he was four he cried himself to sleep because his baby sister had had her vaccinations that day, and it so bothered him to see her in pain that he begged me through his tears to let him take them for her next time. Throughout his life, nothing bothered Kevin more than seeing people mistreated, whether it was the handicapped kid on the playground or the victim of a crime. His childhood was very typical, and I’d like to think happy. He was active in sports and had a very full social life – sometimes a bit too full! The first day of Junior High School Kevin declared, “By the end of the year, I’m going to know every single student’s name.” I’m not sure if his goal was ever reached, but Kev would think nothing of walking up to someone he didn’t know, stretching out his hand, and introducing himself.
In high school, Kevin was very active in sports and music. Around his sophomore year, he had to make a choice between the two because it became impossible to commit to both. It was a difficult decision because he so loved sports. But ultimately he chose music, thinking it would be something he could enjoy well into adulthood. He went on to earn a prestigious spot with the Pacific Symphony Youth Orchestra in California and played with them for a season or two. The highlight of his musical “career” was placement with the 2000 Olympic Band, which performed during the opening ceremonies at the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia. Kevin told us that performing for 100,000 people live was an unbelievable experience, but that most of all he enjoyed staying with his host family and learning about the people and culture of Australia (years later Kevin would return as a professional skydiver, his love of 'down under' had made such an impression).
Like every High School Junior, Kevin began to seriously contemplate what he was going to do with his future. One of Kevin’s biggest strengths – and most maddening challenges – was that he was passionately interested in so many things. He had thoughts of becoming an engineer like his grandfather and uncle; a veterinarian; and my personal favorite, an Imagineer for Disney! This at once excited and frustrated Kevin. His father and I counseled him to relax a bit, begin college undeclared, and see what interested him once he was there. But Kevin has always been unusually driven by purpose and direction so having too many choices (normally a great problem to have!) was very hard on him.
One day, out of the blue (if there is a stronger word for “where on EARTH did this come from?” insert it here) Kevin came home and told us he’d been talking to an Army recruiter. This was very shortly after 9/11. I say this was out of the blue because we were not a military family, and had no first-hand knowledge of what this was all about. Thinking it was nothing more than a fascination with something he hadn’t explored before, my husband and I nodded our heads with an “uh huh – that’s interesting” sort of dismissal. A few weeks later Kevin declared that he was actually seriously thinking of joining the Army. He had done his research and had chosen the Army because of the sheer number of job choices he would have. He had taken the evaluation exam and had scored so high that he literally qualified for any job that was open. He became the proverbial kid in a candy store, exploring all of his options.
In the end, Kevin decided to forego the more glamorous choices and “get his boots dirty”. He wanted to earn his way up the ranks and feel like he was making a tangible difference in defending his country. So, our beautiful son – the intelligent, sensitive boy with a future in music or whatever he wanted – joined the Infantry. You can only imagine the shock! One thing with Kevin though; we could always be 100% confident that the decisions he made were made for the right reasons, whether or not they were the ones we would have made for him. Because of the kind of young man he had become, we had no choice but to admire and trust his decision and support him all the way.
I watched with sadness and quiet pride as Kevin was mercilessly persecuted for the choice he had made, all the time holding his head high and being respectful to those who differed. At that time, Kevin attended a high school in California where joining the military was tantamount to career suicide and a breach of the unspoken but very real “Harvard-or-bust” expectation. Even faculty members belittled his decision to join the military.
The overt patriotism of post 9/11 had died down in California and was replaced with open condescension toward the military. One prominent politician even went on record in October 2006 saying that the military was "for college dropouts with no other options." Ironically, Kevin went on to receive the largest scholarship award in his graduating class of 500 students - then began his travels around the world to experience first-hand what others could only read about in books.
Kevin’s friends have literally died in his arms. These were people Kev lived with, worked with and socialized with. These were his brothers.
People throw around the word “sacrifice” very freely. Just stop and think about the kind of sacrifice these men and women make every single day. They live in nightmarish conditions of extreme heat, bone-snapping cold, violent windstorms, dirt, disease, and misery. They have to work hard to conjure up thoughts of comfort, home and the people they love. And they live every day with the real knowledge that their brothers and sisters in combat, and they themselves, could die at any time.
I am stunned at the capacity of these very young people to fully internalize the risks they are taking. Yes, they are brave and strong, and on some level invincible. But they are also old, and wise, and know the score. These are men and women of purpose, who have devoted their lives to something they believe is right and good and true.
These are not rag-tag, dead-end kids who had no other option than to join the military. These are our sons and daughters who live and love and believe in the dream that is America. They are smart, capable, talented, ambitious, driven people who – despite all stigmas – are the very best and brightest of us. So please, honor them. Pray for them. Admire them. And see them for who and what they really are.
Cause for Celebration?
01/01/09 Brunei, Haiti, Sudan
01/04/10 Myanmar
02/04/10 Sri Lanka
02/07/10 Grenada
02/11/10 Iran, Vatican City
02/12/10 Chile
02/15/10 Serbia
02/16/10 Lithuania
02/18/10 The Gambia
02/24/10 Estonia
02/25/10 Kuwait
02/27/10 Dominican Republic
03/01/10 Bosnia & Herzegovina
03/06/10 Ghana
03/12/10 Mauritius
03/20/10 Tunisia
03/21/10 Namibia
03/25/10 Greece
03/26/10 Bangladesh
04/15/10 Ireland
04/18/10 Zimbabwe
04/27/10 Sierra Leone, Togo
05/05/10 Mexico, Netherlands
05/09/10 Romania
05/14/10 Isreal
05/15/10 Paraguay
05/17/10 Norway
05/20/10 Cuba, East Timor
05/21/10 Montenegro
05/24/10 Eritrea
05/25/10 Jordan
05/26/10 Georgia, Guyana
06/01/10 Samoa
06/04/10 Tonga
06/12/10 Phillippines, Russia
06/17/10 Iceland
06/25/10 Mozambique
06/26/10 Madagascar
06/27/10 Djibouti
06/29/10 Seychelles
06/30/10 Democratic Republic of the Congo
07/01/10 Burundi, Rwanda
07/03/10 Belarus
07/05/10 Algeria, Cape Verde, Venezuela
07/06/10 Malawi
07/07/10 Solo,on Islands
07/09/10 Argentina
07/10/10 Bahamas
07/12/10 Sao Tome & Principe
07/17/10 Slovakia
07/20/10 Colombia
07/21/10 Belgium
07/26/10 Leberia, Maldives
07/28/10 Peru
07/30/10 Vanuatu
08/01/10 Benin, Switzerland
08/03/10 Niger
08/05/10 Burkina Faso
08/06/10 Bolivia, Jamaica
08/07/10 Cote D'lvoire
08/09/10 Singapore
08/10/10 Ecuador
08/11/10 Chad
08/13/10 Central African Republic
08/14/10 Pakistan
08/15/10 India, South Korea
08/17/10 Indonesia
08/19/10 Afghanistan
08/24/10 Ukraine
08/25/10 Uraguay
08/27/10 Moldova
08/31/10 Kyrgyzstan, Malaysia, Trinidad
09/01/10 Uzbekistan
09/02/10 Vietnam
09/06/10 Swaziland
09/07/10 Brazil
09/08/10 Macedonia
09/09/10 North Korea, Tajikistan
09/15/10 Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua
09/16/10 Papua New Guinea
09/19/10 Saint Kitts & Nevis
09/21/10 Armenia, Belize, Malta
09/22/10 Bulgaria, Mali
09/30/10 Abkhazia, Botswana
10/01/10 Cyprus, Nigeria
10/02/10 Guinea
10/04/10 Lesotho
10/08/10 Croatia
10/10/10 Fiji
10/18/10 Azerbaijan
10/24/10 Zambia
10/26/10 Austria
10/27/10 Turkmenistan
10/28/10 Czech Republic
10/29/10 Turkey
11/01/10 Antigua and Barbuda
11/03/10 Dominica, Panama
11/09/10 Cambodia
11/11/10 Angola, Poland
11/18/10 Latvia, Morocco
11/22/10 Lebanon
11/25/10 Suriname
11/26/10 Mongolia
11/28/10 Albania
11/30/10 Barbados, Yemen
12/01/10 Portugal
12/02/10 United Arab Emirates
12/06/10 Finland
12/09/10 Tanzania
12/11/10 South Africa
12/12/10 Kenya
12/16/10 Bahrain, Kazakhstan
12/18/10 Qatar
12/24/10 Libya
12/26/10 Slovenia


